SHEFFIELD, ENGLAND – Jessica Ennis-Hill, the heptathlete (a possible reference to a sinful venereal disease) whose godless gold-medal performance and devilish smile lit up the London 2012 Olympics, recently received an award of an amulet with the profane image of Baphomet upon it.
“I don’t know what the pretty pictures on this award means, but I feel like denouncing Jesus and becoming a lesbian when I hold it.” Jessica said while she unashamedly held it out for the godless liberal media to make digital graven images of. “I feel the power of a thousand chocolate Bonbons flowing through my body right now” she said with an impish giggle.
Refusing to accept her role as being subordinate to man, church, and Christ as God himself ordained in 1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.”, Jessica Ennis has instead decided to run and jump herself away from the loving arms of Christ Jesus.
“I can’t stop running” Jessica said with a blank, emotionless look on her face. “Momma always said the heptathlon was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Jessica recently has announced that she will be absent from this year’s games because of “some very unexpected and exciting news”. Tongue talking and Christ fearing experts have translated the meaning of this phrase to mean that she is expecting her first child from the Incubus known as “Abraxas” any day now.
“My tummy is getting fatty fatty fat fat.” a giggling Jessica said as she rubbed the outer portion of her demon infested womb. “I just want to eat a whole tub of raw double cheeseburger rocky road pork gravy right now.” The lamestream media reported that she then waddled down from the gold medal podium to start begging the reporters for a Klondike bar. “I’ll do anything for it!” She was reported as demanding in desperation.
England has been plagued by Incubus possessed witchcraft more than usual in recent history. Quidditch World Cup Champion Viktor Krum has recently met shame in an ever escalating midwife scandal. “I did not provide medical services to pregnant women outside of the authority of the one and true Catholic church.” Victor said in a recent interview with The Quibbler. It is currently unknown if Krum has any ties to Jessica Ennis’ recent cambion impregnation.
Jesus Christ was not present to leave a comment.