Obama says “United States has some of the best sticky nugs ever”

DENVER, COLORADO – Saying that the time was right to come to terms with a new trend that is sweeping across America, President Obama admitted during a tour of Colorado last week that the United States “has some of the best sticky nugs ever”. Since the legalization of recreational marijuanna was voted  into Colorado on September 16, 2013, the idea of legalized and recreational marijuanna has sparked controversy in both Republican and Democratic circles.

John Boehner (R-OH 8th District) gives President Barack Obama a gift of matching hats in Denver, Colorado.

“This shit is ickier than that dirt weed I smoked back in the day” Obama said as he pulled out his “Half-O”, street slang for a half ounce of the pot. “Dank ass chronic got me jonesin’ for some Funyuns right now.”

“You were always such a light weight bitch.” Said John Boehner as he walked into the room. Obama stood up and grabbed Boehners hand to pull him into a hug saying “That’s my nigga right here.” for everyone to hear. Boehner sat down on the right hand side of Obama with what amounted to be a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Did you eyeball that fine lookin’ specimen at the weed shack Barry?” Boehner asked Obama.

“That white bitch wit dem fat ass titties?” Obama replied.

“I asked her if she needed help holding them up” Boehner said with a laugh.

“Oh no you didn’t!” Obama said as he shouldered into Boehner laughing hard.

Currently Barack Obama signed an executive order raising the minimum wage of all new Federal contracts to $10.10. When asked about his controversial order Obama and Boehner immediately started laughing.

“It was a win/win choice for me. It made me look like I was looking out for the working class while at the same time changing nothing.” Obama said with a red eyed glare.

“Name me a single Mercenary hired by no bid Federal contracts in the middle east that makes minimum wage?” Boehner said with a smirk “You can’t. Our Mercs make way more than the troops do. As soon as we can manage, Congress will be redirecting food stamps for military families into a slush fund for more military contracts.” Boehner pulled a one hitter bat from his suit jacket pocket and took a huge toke. “Besides…urmm…we got all the long term contracts we wanted..” Boehner said holding in his fat toke. Boehner grunted, then blew out a huge chronic cloud out right into the middle of the reporters. The smell of diggity dank was heavy in the room.

When asked whether minimum wage for the entire country and not just for new Federal contracts would eventually be raised both Barry and John looked at each other silently for a second, then burst out laughing.

“Nigga which planet is you from?” Obama replied as he pulled out a 40 ounce bottle of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull from behind his Executive chair.

Boehner had the hardest time regaining his composure. “I don’t wanna pay an extra ten cents for my Big Mac.”

“You got dat right G.” Obama said to Boehner slapping and then shaking his hand. “Raising the minimum wage is gonna get rid of my Dollar Menu options at Micky D’s”

Boehner signals for one of his aids and whispers something into his ear. The aid walks away and comes back with two hats. “This is a gift for my home boy Barry. Got dese hats at a local underground whore house.”

“Shit fat as hell. Fuck yeah!” Obama said with his mouth full of Funyuns. Obama put the hat on his head. “For my homeys” Obama said as he stood up and made an east coast gang symbol and posed for the reporters with his new skull cover. Boehner put on his identical hat and immediately stood up and popped the west coast gang symbol right next to Obama. They looked at each other hard, then started laughing.

“Got some tickets for ICP tonight.” Boehner said reaching into his chest pocket of his suit jacket.

“Juggalos in the hizzouse!” Obama said with his hand cupped around his mouth in a deep and bellowing voice as they both stood up and walked out of the room ignoring any other questions from the reporters.


This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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