Mike Tyson English Professor

Mike Tyson Becomes Harvard English Professor

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Harvard has had many great names walk its halls throughout its 378 years of history: Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Barack Obama, Bill Gates, W. E. B. Du Bois, and  “father of the atomic bomb” J. Robert Oppenheimer. Harvard’s latest heavy weight contender is none other than – Mike Tyson.

tysonprofessor
“Iron” Mike Tyson teaching English at Harvard University.

“Da feewings I get fwom educating dese people is incwedible! I caint beweave I am fuwfiwing my dweams of being an Engwish Pwofessah.” A teary eyed Mike Tyson said. “I used to fight for pwizes in the wing. Now I fight for context and gwammah. It’s an awesome expewience!”

Tyson, a former undisputed heavyweight champion of the world and holder of the record of the youngest boxer to win the WBC, WBA and IBF heavyweight titles, is not foreign to personal fights outside of the boxing ring as well.

“It’s cwazy stupid how hawd it is to get accepted as a Hawvawd Engwish Pwofessor. Weeding awl of dese books. I mean it’s wike it’s even hawder than fighting Lawwy Holmes and Fwank Bwuno at the same time.” Tyson said with a laugh. “Thank Gawd for Cwiff Notes and Wikipedia.”

“Iron” Mike Tyson has recently been released from his three year incarceration after being found guilty of the 1991 rape of 18-year-old Desiree Washington.

“I didn’t wape dat woman!” Tyson said adamantly. “So don’t even bwing up dat! I didn’t even think about biting hew eaw off or anythink!”

His appointment to The Harvard English department as a high school dropout has become the latest in his long list of controversies.

cothmoth
Tyson will host a remake of Carl Sagan’s famous t.v. series.

“I was depwessed fwom da wesults of my bankwupcy. No mattew how many people I knocked down in the wing I couldn’t make enough Benjy gweens to cover da debt. I was thinking to mysewlf; “dere has to be more to wife dan jus bustin’ faces”. Tyson said as he began to recall the day he was accepted to The Harvard Professorship. “So I went to da Dean’s office and said “I want to be a pwofessor of Engwish”. I stood dere and stawed at him hawd like I did to Michael Spinks. Dat was all I had to do. Da Dean doesn’t talk much around me since I have stawted teaching, but I know he will get ovew being staw stwuck with me soon.”

“Wit…wit a…wit a wah chur? OH, you mean books?” Tyson replied when asked what literature inspired him the most. “Well, some of da kids in my cwass have talked about King Weer, Shakes Beer, Jay Ara Ara Token, and Sock…sock…I can’t pwonounce his name…anyways, I jus waff when they bwing up names wike dat. Nobody weeds dem books anyways. My favowit book is “Undisputed Twuth”. Evewy thing you need to know about gweatness and wife are in dat book. It’s reqwired weeding in my cwass woom.”

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This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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