CHESAPEAKE, VIRGINIA – Nothing is more tear jerking than a heartfelt reunion of kindred souls who have been separated by vast amounts of time and space. History is replete with stories, both real and fictional, of great emotional rejoining; Odysseus and Penelope, Gollum and The Ring, and the Biblical Joseph with his family. These stories are stunted short when compared to the tale of the reunion between Electrician Wes Akers and his favorite Light Pole.
“It’s been so long. I can’t contain myself. I must have you now!” Said an emotionally empowered Wes as he ran straight to his beloved light pole. Wes yelled out in delight as he jumped up and bear hugged the pole. “YEEE! I missed you so much. We will never be separated again my love!” Wes then began to kiss the huge pole wrapped tightly between his legs.
The reunion caused such a public stir that the authorities were summoned to the scene. Wes Akers, blinded by his love for the pole, adamantly defied the police. Unable to talk him down from his pole, the police were forced to call in the local fire department.
“I’ve never seen someone cling so tightly to such girth.” Said Fire Chief John Doe. “We even tried spraying industrial strength lubricant to make him slide down the pole, but he’s got the grip of a high-dollar call girl right now…not that I’ve ever felt the grip of a high-dollar call girl before. I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. You’re going to edit that part out aren’t you?”
The local fire department turned their hoses on Wes in a last ditch desperation to get him to release the death grip he had on his pole.
“Forget da po po and their Illuminati masters! This is my pole. Go get your own!” Wes yelled as three firemen unsuccessfully tried to separate him from his pole. “Get your meat hooks off of me and my pole!”
“We think the best thing to do in this situation is to just let him have some privacy with his pole.” Said official Police spokesperson Ben Dover. “Eventually he will become exhausted, and when he does come down from that pole we will arrest him and give him a shaft of our own.” Ben Dover said in reference to the current for profit prison system gaining momentum in America. “We will strip him of his freedom and wealth and redistribute it back to the 1% Satanic shape-changing Illuminati Masonic Masters of this world.”
The Satanic shape-changing Illuminati Masonic Masters of this world did not return our call for a comment on this story.