SOMEWHERE BETWEEN EARTH AND MARS – The history of science has had its fair share of strange and unusual discoveries; The Voynich Manuscript, The Antikythera Mechanism, and The Baghdad Batteries are just a few examples that scientists are studying and debating still to this day. Just added to this list of the strange and unusual is The Cosmic Teapot. Discovered by The SETI Institute on February 12th and then confirmed in joint effort by Astronomers around the world, it has become official that there actually is a teapot floating somewhere between Earth and Mars.
“This is absolutely amazing!” Said Bill Nye The Science Guy. “The teapot is actually orbiting the sun at an almost equal distance between the two planets. The orbital period of The Cosmic Teapot has been confirmed at 526 Earth days. There is a slow spin on the tea pot at an axis of 10 degrees making a typical Cosmic Teapot day to last 36 hours every rotation.”
“Clearly Doctor Ham was right and I was wrong.” Said Bill Nye, referring to his February 4th debate with Creationist and Museum owner Ken Ham. “This Cosmic Teapot discovery changes everything for me. I understand now that Doctor Ham was speaking the wisdom of Our Lord and Savior when he said that faith was more important than evidence. I have changed my position and I think that The Bible should now be taught in school as historical and scientific data. I’m off to get Baptized in the spirit and the flesh and get saved just as soon as I am done with this interview. I’m so excited! Praise Jesus.”
The recent discovery, however, has not affected all scientifically literate people the same way it has with Bill Nye.
“Amazing claims require equally amazing evidence regardless of this damned Teapot or not!” Said one atheist who wished to remain anonymous to protect himself and his family from the social repercussions that typically happen when atheists publicly proclaim their lack of faith. “The entire point of Russell’s Teapot analogy was to illustrate that the philosophic burden of proof lies upon a person making scientifically unfalsifiable claims rather than shifting the burden of proof to others, specifically in the case of religion. We are supposed to suspend our judgement on any claim until compelling evidence is discovered.”
Other skeptics are claiming the teapot discovery is proof of a conspiracy.
“NASA is in leagues with Pat Robertson and the 700 club” said a neck bearded man who introduced himself only as “Jo Momma”. “Those sons-of-bitches took a teapot into outer space and sent it flying into orbit between Mars and Earth in collaboration with the gray aliens and their Jewish Illuminati masters to convince us that Elvis isn’t alive today. Next thing you know they will be putting chemicals in the water to manipulate us into thinking that Justin Bieber is a good musician. It’s all bullshit if you ask me.”
The discovery of The Cosmic Teapot has already begun to stir worldwide controversy between major religious leaders .
“Allah has spoken to us today” The Grand Imam of Al-Azhar, Mohamed Ahmed el-Tayeb, proclaimed with great happiness. “If someone were to rub this Teapot the Genie inside would appear and immediately proclaim the existence of Allah and our Prophet Mohammad, Peace Be Upon Him. This Teapot is proof that Islam is correct and true and that the infidel and the Jew will have molten brass poured down their throats as water in the fires of eternal Hell.”
The State of Israel has issued an official press release in response to Mohamed Ahmed el-Tayeb’s comment: “Blow it out your ass. We called dibs on The Holy Land first. No take backs.”
As of press time, however, The American Humanist Society were still discussing whether the discovery of The Cosmic Teapot would have caused Bertrand Russell’s to spin in his grave if he had not already been cremated.