SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA – In the founding city of one of the most popular multinational restaurant corporations, fast food mascots have become a common site; Dennis the Menace, The Burger King, Colonel Sanders, and that Quiznos Rat/Hamster Thing. Occasionally, and sometimes with considerable legal risks attached, a knock-off of one of these mascots is created by a fledgling business to lend a touch of the familiar to an already over abundant and competitive genre.
“It’s not easy being dressed up like a God Damned buffoon” Said the man dressed up as ‘The MacRonald’s Jester’. “Don’t you dare print my real name. Wearing this stupid costume is already a hard enough kick in the balls for me. And these fucking kids. GOD DAMN I’m tired of these fucking kids every day.”
MacRonald’s is the latest knock-off fast food restaurant to hit the scene sporting “The MacRonald’s Jester” as its mascot. In order to compete in a highly saturated restaurant industry, MacRonald’s has been forced to be overly creative with its menus choice.
“Look at what they serve in this shit hole.” Said The MacRonald’s Jester pulling out what looked like meat balls in gravy. “This is what they call ‘MacFaggots’. I’m not shitting you. Google that shit if you don’t believe me. This is the only job I can find in this fucked up economy we have. I’m dressed up as a fucking clown serving ‘MacFaggots in faggot sauce’ to a bunch of fat asshole douche bags kids! Kill me now. Please. Put me out of my fucking misery right now!”
“Can I get some Mac Ice Cream Mr. MacRonald’s?” said a little girl during the interview.
“I’ve got your Ice Cream right here. RAAHHH!!!” yelled The MacRonald’s Jester with his arms up in the air and sending the little girl running off screaming and crying. “There’s your scream you little bitch. Your tears are like sweet nectar to me.” The MacRonald’s Jester then pulled out what looked like a meth pipe and started to smoke it. “Don’t give me that look. This is my medicine.”
“I’m sick of all of the shit.” The MacRonald’s Jester said as he blew meth smoke out into the restaurant atmosphere. “These kids are fucking nasty. Rubbing food and ketchup and shit all over the God Damned walls and I have to go behind the little fuckers and clean that shit up.” The MacRonald’s Jester leaned over to the side, cocked his leg up, and passed gas in a very loud manner. “My paycheck is a fucking joke. The bitches who work here are butt ugly. My boss is a fucking jerk off, and I cant even afford to go to the clinic to find out if this burning shit in my jimmy jank is the clap or not.” He said as the aroma of his flatulence filled the room.
“Can I get an order of Mac French Fries please” interrupted another young male American citizen during the interview.
“I can get you an order of Mac shut the fuck up!” The MacRonald’s Jester said. The young man stood there with a questionable look on his face. “Oh, you gonna puff up on me now?! You think I’m some Bozo? I’m here for your amusement? How about I give you an order of a Mac Foot Up Your Ass?! Carry that shit out of here with your bird chest ya little shit.” The child ran away crying and screaming for his mother. “I thought so you little punk ass trick ass mark.” The MacRonald’s Jester replied.
The police did not take long to show up on the scene and violently take the MacRonald’s Jester into custody.
“We can’t have white kids being pushed around by these savages.” Said Official Police spokesperson Ben Dover. “We have your name. We have your number. We know where you live and we own your ass.”
Booger Hook reporters did not have the courage or the stomach to taste the MacFaggots entree.