DENVER, COLORADO – We were warned that this would happen in all of those black and white movies they forced us to watch in the public school system. Run to your homes. Lock up your doors and windows and pull out those dusty military rations because it is time for: The Stoner Apocalypse?
Since the legalization of the demon weed in the godless liberal state of Colorado, there have been exponential reports of stoner zombies wandering aimlessly in the parks and streets. Yes, you read that correctly: Stoner Zombies!
“I can’t keep my product on the shelves” Fred the baker said. Fred is a baker for the Dunkin’ Donuts franchise. “These stoner zombies are always in my store. They think I don’t know but I’m not stupid. I can tell when they are stoned and paranoid. They aren’t fooling anyone. I can see it in their eyes and I’m going to call their parents and tell them that their son or daughter is high right now. I’m also going to call their boss or principle and inform them as well. Stoners never come down. They are going to feel that way for the rest of their lives. If your heart is beating fast then you really are going to die and go to a twisted cartoon afterlife for all eternity. Your mom and dad expected more out of you and the cops are waiting outside to arrest you.”
“It’s 4:20” Fred the baker said. “Time to make the donuts!”
“Shit got it goin’ on yo!” A dreadlocked stoner zombie said. “Dis shit’s bangin’ right here yo. Da chronics all up in this bitch, word?! We gots da blue cheese, purple haze indica, northern lights, and king kush in da hizouse. Bitches be goin’ ape shit over da diggity dank, crunkin’ dat shit up for a fat minute yo. Getting’ ma drink and smoke on with some honey flavored wraps and vapes. Shit be creepin’ and creepin’ and creepin’ got me mad trippin’ yo.”
Some consider the Stoner Apocalypse to be a spiritual test of their faith. Some religious groups have taken the rise of the stoner zombies very serious and have worked out ways to counter what they consider to be an invasion upon decent society. Some have created a “Stoner Apocalypse Survival Kit”.
“The dildo is essential to the kit.” Sister Maggie Baines said. Sister Baines is a local house wife of 2.3 children and a member of The Southern Baptist Church of The Perpetual 1950’s. “Stoners are uncontrollable sex fiends who typically yearn for relations with non-white people. They need something to fill the void where Jesus used to be in their lives. It has to be the biggest, blackest dildo you can find. At least that is what my Pastor tells me.”
“If you don’t give them that dildo they will ‘twerk up’ on anything that resembles an erect illegal immigrant penis. Then they will start mixing together all kinds of strange things in order to perform their sorcery upon the God Fearing True Christian® population of America.” Sister Baines stated. “Our church once rescued one of these stoner zombies from the local park in order to get her saved for Christ Jesus. She was screaming foul, satanic spells upon our ministry volunteers such as ‘I have rights!’ and ‘Kidnapping is a felony offense!’.”
What Mrs. Baines said next shocked our reporters.
“She started rummaging through our ministry kitchen. She started mixing peanut butter, syrup, ketchup, sugar, mayonnaise, and steak sauce in a bowl as she loudly screamed blasphemies and curse words at our volunteers. She was dipping non-toasted white bread into that pagan alchemical mix and eating it! While she was eating that ungodly mess she was trying to summon up her demon ‘lawyers’ from the ‘ACLU’ on a strange device she pulled out from her pocket.” Mrs. Baines then shuddered. “Our Pastor informed us that the ‘ACLU’ is a level of Hell were the persecutors of the True Christian Faith® are punished for all eternity. The pot grows wild there. Wild like the demon weed addled minds of our innocent children who have fallen for the witch craft of the satanic liberal left drug addicts.”
“She began to twerk uncontrollably.” Sister Baines added. “It got so bad that we had to force her into a locked room alone with our Pastor. Our Pastor confirmed later that after 2 hours of private prayer that the young woman had indeed been satiated and saved. Praise Sweet Baby Jesus!”