Ringer Ragnar brings Vikings victory

FEDEX FIELD – The Washington Redskins football team (soon to be renamed “The Washington Natives”) have become all too accustomed to defeat whether on their home field or as visitors. Adding insult to injury, The Redskins were literally annihilated during  their recent battle with The Vikings.

Ragnar Lodbrok
Ragnar Lodbrok savors the moment.

“My woman hits harder than these mewling Redskins.” Ragnar Lodbrok laughed as he sharpened his mighty axe upon a stone wheel. “Their armor is weak and their resolve is weaker. The painted runes upon their tunics have not the blessing of Odin upon them to stay my blade. I took their heads and raped their women before their bodies were even cold. Thor Odinson is truly with me on this glorious day of battle!”

Ragnar Lodbrok drew a long quaff of strong mead from his drinking horn as he stood to inspect his collection of severed heads.

“I will enjoy sipping ale from their skulls as I tell the tales of their deaths in the mead halls of Valhalla until Ragnarok. This has truly been a profitable invasion and I plan to bring many thralls and hoards of gold back with me to my icy homeland if Allfather Odin finds me worthy of such.”

Ragnar Lodbrok is the first active recruit of The Vikings ‘Barbarian exchange program’ in their efforts to find better athletes to add to their team.

“Ragnar has spunk! Ragnar has chutzpah! Ragnar has the guts to spill the guts all over the field, and most of all Ragnar has that huge sexy axe!” Zygi Wilf said with a big smile as Ragnar’s Shieldmaidens served as his body guards. “This mashugana team needs an example to follow. They need stamina. They need inspiration, and most of all they need to stop acting like a bunch of putzes!”

Ragnar's Camp
Fans from Ragnar’s homeland cheer him on.

“I don’t get it?” Silas Redd, #24 Redskins, said during a defensive play. “I mean who are they trying to fool bringing out a stupid mascot on the field? This isn’t the Waterboy movie. Is this even legal? I will run that mother WHAT THE FU…” Ragnar lobbed his mighty axe through the air decapitating Silas in mid sentence.

Screams and cheers roared across the stands. A referee ran up to Ragnar to throw a flag only to be met with a swift knee to the stomach. As the referee fell to his knees holding his mid section in excruciating pain, Ragnar pulled out his hand axe and chopped directly at his spine behind his heart. Ragnar then separated  the referees back ribs, pulled his lungs out of his bloody torso, and laid them on his shoulders performing the ‘Blood Eagle‘ maneuver. “Do not make a sound.” Ragnar whispered into the referee’s ear “Or you will not reach glorious Valhalla.”

Booger Hook Investigative Reporters decided to take Ragnar Lodbrok’s claim that he was The King of Denmark and Sweden at face value after he scowled at them menacingly.

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One thought on “Ringer Ragnar brings Vikings victory”

  1. “Oh, there once was a hero named Ragnar the Red. Who came riding to Whiterun from ole Rorikstead. And the braggart did swagger and brandish his blade. As he told of bold battles and gold he had made. But then he went quiet, did Ragnar the Red. When he met the shield-maiden Matilda, who said; “Oh, you talk and you lie and you drink all our mead. Now I think it’s high time that you lie down and bleed!” And so then came clashing and slashing of steel. As the brave lass Matilda charged in, full of zeal. And the braggart named Ragnar was boastful no more- When his ugly red head rolled around on the floor!” – The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

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This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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