FEDEX FIELD – The Washington Redskins football team (soon to be renamed “The Washington Natives”) have become all too accustomed to defeat whether on their home field or as visitors. Adding insult to injury, The Redskins were literally annihilated during their recent battle with The Vikings.
“My woman hits harder than these mewling Redskins.” Ragnar Lodbrok laughed as he sharpened his mighty axe upon a stone wheel. “Their armor is weak and their resolve is weaker. The painted runes upon their tunics have not the blessing of Odin upon them to stay my blade. I took their heads and raped their women before their bodies were even cold. Thor Odinson is truly with me on this glorious day of battle!”
Ragnar Lodbrok drew a long quaff of strong mead from his drinking horn as he stood to inspect his collection of severed heads.
“I will enjoy sipping ale from their skulls as I tell the tales of their deaths in the mead halls of Valhalla until Ragnarok. This has truly been a profitable invasion and I plan to bring many thralls and hoards of gold back with me to my icy homeland if Allfather Odin finds me worthy of such.”
Ragnar Lodbrok is the first active recruit of The Vikings ‘Barbarian exchange program’ in their efforts to find better athletes to add to their team.
“Ragnar has spunk! Ragnar has chutzpah! Ragnar has the guts to spill the guts all over the field, and most of all Ragnar has that huge sexy axe!” Zygi Wilf said with a big smile as Ragnar’s Shieldmaidens served as his body guards. “This mashugana team needs an example to follow. They need stamina. They need inspiration, and most of all they need to stop acting like a bunch of putzes!”
“I don’t get it?” Silas Redd, #24 Redskins, said during a defensive play. “I mean who are they trying to fool bringing out a stupid mascot on the field? This isn’t the Waterboy movie. Is this even legal? I will run that mother WHAT THE FU…” Ragnar lobbed his mighty axe through the air decapitating Silas in mid sentence.
Screams and cheers roared across the stands. A referee ran up to Ragnar to throw a flag only to be met with a swift knee to the stomach. As the referee fell to his knees holding his mid section in excruciating pain, Ragnar pulled out his hand axe and chopped directly at his spine behind his heart. Ragnar then separated the referees back ribs, pulled his lungs out of his bloody torso, and laid them on his shoulders performing the ‘Blood Eagle‘ maneuver. “Do not make a sound.” Ragnar whispered into the referee’s ear “Or you will not reach glorious Valhalla.”
Booger Hook Investigative Reporters decided to take Ragnar Lodbrok’s claim that he was The King of Denmark and Sweden at face value after he scowled at them menacingly.