Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh apologizes for all of the fucked up things he said

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA – Rush Limbaugh, the popular right wing American conservative talk radio host, is no stranger to controversy. It is typical for him to say at least one extremely offensive thing every day on his AM radio talk show “The Rush Limbaugh Show”.

Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh is very sorry for all of the fucked up things he said.

Remember when I went after Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke for her testimony to a Democratic congressional committee on a mandate that religious-connected institutions and businesses provide medical contraception coverage for women to prevent the growth of cysts and I claimed that she wanted to fuck all of the time, that it made her a prostitute, and I demanded that tax payers should get to see videos of her having sex?”

“Yeah, that was really creepy and fucked up for me to say. Sorry about that.”

Remember when I started losing all of my sponsors and it forced me to ‘apologize’, but I didn’t really want to apologize and I just made more attacks on Sandra Fluke and everyone who I disagree with and ended the apology by claiming I was acting like the leftists who despise me?”

“I was acting like a fucking douche nozzle. Sorry about that.”

Remember when I compared Latino’s and other immigrants to space aliens, mollusks and spermatozoa, and that if they didn’t have their documents they were nothing more than an ‘invasive species’ even though thier ancestors have been here much longer than my white ancestors have been? Remember how I said that legalizing them is the same thing as grabing our ankles and getting ass raped?”

“That was an ignorant, bigoted, and hateful thing for me to say. Sorry about that.”

rushcash

Remember when I said that school children who’s parents were too poor to afford school lunches were ‘wanton waifs and serfs depending on the State’ and I complained how doing such a thing will not teach them how to feed themselves during the summer?”

“That was not very pro-life of me to say. Sorry about that.”

Remember when I said that the rights of people I call ‘liberal’ should be banned and that ‘liberals’ should not be allowed to own guns, keyboards, typewriters, word processors, or email and doing such a thing would wipe out 90% of the crime, 85 to 95% of the hate, and a hundred percent of the lies from society?”

“That was pretty hypocritical of me to say. Sorry about that.”

Remember when I supported human slavery by claiming people are ‘just born to be slaves’, that some people are born lazy, some people are born to be victims, that equality was a myth, and some people are born to have their decisions made by other people?”

“That was pretty fucked up of me to say. Sorry about that.”

Remember when I tried to make Obama look anti-Semitic when it was really my own antisemitism when I said ‘To some people, bankers — code word for Jewish — and guess who Obama’s assaulting? He’s assaulting bankers. He’s assaulting money people. And a lot of those people on Wall Street are Jewish. So I wonder if there’s starting to be some buyer’s remorse there.’ And Fox news defended me?”

“That was pretty low. Sorry about that.”

Rush paused for a moment in silence. He then reached into his vest pocket to pull out a fat cigar. He took his dear sweet time prepping it and lighting it. He then took a fat toke off of it and blew the thick cloud of smoke right into the reporters faces making some of them flinch and cough.

“Remember that time when I apologized for all of the fucked up things I said and I didn’t really mean it because I’m a rich bigot?”

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This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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