BREAKING: Blue Wizard is about to die!

GAUNTLET MAZE – In a maze without entrance or exit. In a gauntlet of threats and rewards. A battle is being waged for survival. ‘Thor’ The Red Warrior, ‘Merlin’ The Blue Wizard, ‘Thyra’ The Yellow Valkyrie, and ‘Questor’ The Green Elf. All fighting in an endless, some may even say absurdly meaningless, struggle for dear life.

The Blue Wizard needs food – badly, but is he really Merlin?

An announcement was made from an unknown source that spread loudly across the known Gauntlet Maze: “Blue Wizard needs food – badly.” Regardless of how many blue fire balls he threw, no matter how dexterously he dodged enemy attacks, The Blue Wizard was unable to reach the jug labeled ‘XXX’ in time to consume it and regain his health.


Because stupid “Red Warrior – shot the food”!!!

Now The Blue Wizard has no other choice but to run from the fight and hope beyond hope that the rest of this rag tag team of heroes can clear the level and maybe, just maybe, find some secret food for him to live just a little bit longer.


“I am not Merlin.” The Blue Wizard said as he pulled out his water pipe packed with dank smelling weed and lighting it with a blue flame from his finger tip. “It is a ‘nickname’ bestowed upon me by my fellow heroic European captives in this accursed Guantlet Maze.”

“My name is Ymerej Al-Govad. I am a Magi following the path of Zoroaster. My grand father is Yazata Al-Govad, a Djinni who was wrongfully imprisoned within a lamp for eternity and cast down into the bowels of the Earth until my grandmother Mayameen found him and freed him. Mayameen came from a poor illiterate family and she was scarred from the pox of her youth. Upon my grand fathers release from his lamp he offered her the required three wishes. Seeing the pain in Yazata’s eyes, Mayameen made only one wish; “I only wish for your freedom.”

The Blue Wizard’s Stats are: Class-Magic-user, Race-Air Genasi, Alignment-Neutral Good, Str-9, Int-16, Wis-9, Dex-9, Con-16, Chr-9, Com-9, Familiar-Pseudodragon (Alayah), Faction-Sensate

A watery eyed Ymerej stood quietly for a moment. Although there was no wind blowing in the Gauntlet Maze, The Blue Wizard’s white hair and beard were flowing in what seemed to be a slight breeze.

“I miss my grandmother.”

Blue Wizard – is about to die.” was announced across the maze followed by death’s bell ringing faster and faster along with The Blue Wizard’s heart beat.

Merlin with giants building Stone Hinge.
Did Merlin really enlist the help of giants to build Stone Hinge?

Merlin never really existed. He was an amalgamation of previous historical and legendary figures along with Myrddin Wyllt of the North Brythonic period. The Roman Catholic Church used the legend of Merlin to promote it’s witch hunting against the mid-wives of Europe. They claimed that Merlin was a ‘Cambion‘, sired by an Incubus and born of a mortal woman. Anyone who has actually read Malleus Maleficarum knows that an ‘Incubus‘ is NOT a vampire, which is currently the popular belief. In that age an ‘Incubus’ was another name for a Satyr. This is a continuation of the gradual evolution of religious thought from the Hellenic traditions of ancient Rome to the more modernized version of Catholic Christianity we are familiar with today.” The Blue Wizard said as he was shooting blue fire balls at the walls looking for secret food stashes.

FUCKING LOBBERS! I can’t stand the annoying sound their lobbing makes. Fuck! Kill them! They hit me. Help! HELP ME!”

The other heroes eventually worked their way back to The Blue Wizard to give him a much needed hand.

“I don’t know what that mad wizard is talking about.” Questor The Green Elf said after being updated about what The Blue Wizard said. “Drama queen bitch is as queer as a bottle of chips and I am definitely an authority on that topic.”

Red Warrior needs food – badly.” The Red Warrior ‘Thor’ said.

“You don’t need any more food ‘Thor’. You have hogged all of the food excluding all of the food you shot out of existence you bumbling buffoon.” The Yellow Valkyrie ‘Thyra’ said in a sarcastic tone. “You aren’t ‘Thor’ either. Thor doesn’t wear fur drawers and he definitely doesn’t carry an axe you pig headed ape.”

Red Warrior needs food – badly.” The Red Warrior ‘Thor’ said.

The Green Elf and The Yellow Valkyrie looked at The Red Warrior, then looked at each other rolling their eyes.

“Stop being a cheapskate and drop another quarter in the game.”


This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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