Atheist sues for discrimination rights normally reserved for the religious

Indiana’s Religious Freedom Law is fresh off of the Governor’s signing table and already it faces a counter suit brought by an atheist. Atheist lawsuits have been growing in frequency in America since the Madalyn Murray O’Hair court case that banned mandatory bible reading and forced prayer in public schools.

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“You don’t have to have faith in order to be a jerk.”

“I have a long and documented history of my hatreds.” John Jennings said with a stern look as he pulled out a binder full of legal papers. “Paper trails. Here is one when I got arrested for punching a fags teeth out. This one is for  contempt of court for calling the judge a faggot. This one is for ‘cunt punting’ a feminist. I shouldn’t need faith to be able to legally discriminate when I have evidence that I am fully capable of being an insufferable asshole without religion.”

John is leading the lawsuit that may alter the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act to include the faithless.

“Do the religious have any evidence to back up their commitment to being an asshole like I do?” John quickly added, slinging a small ball of spit from his mouth towards Boogerhook reporters. “No they don’t. Evidence is superior to faith and always will be. I can scientifically prove my bigotry. Can they?”

Senator Ted Cruz got on this hot topic lawsuit with his own take on discrimination rights. “This is a Christian Nation!” he said as he pulled his bible out from nowhere behind him. “Only Conservative Christians have the God ordained right to discriminate against minorities in America. Once again we see another uppity atheist crybaby Satan worshiping communist suing True American Christians© and destroying our great nation. Vote Ted Cruz for president and ignore those godless liberal lies being spread that I was born in Canada.”

“There isn’t really much difference between us.” John said as he compared conservative Christians with himself. “When will the GOP stop discriminating against me because I am an atheist? They hate the poor, I hate the poor. They are greedy bastards, I’m a greedy bastard. They are authoritarian, I am authoritarian. They hate fags, I hate fags. They hate colored people and hide behind racist code words like ‘thug’. I love calling black people ‘thugs’. You don’t have to be religious to be a sociopath. Ayn Rand was an atheist and she is the most popular sociopath in the conservative movement.”

Freddie Mercury did not return our calls for a comment.

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This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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