WASSILLA, ALASKA – Former Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced her bid for the Republican Presidential candidacy today in her home town. Thousands of people were there to show support and celebrate her many accomplishments as a politician, commentator and author.
“Jinkies golly gosh, who would like to vote this soccer mom into The White House?” Governor Palin said to uproarious applause. “With the will of God, and our True American Voters, I will represent the Executiving interests of our great Christian country!”
Within hours of Palin’s announcement public opinion polls turned upside down. What once showed a strong Hillary Clinton lead swiftly turned into a strong Sarah Palin lead.
“The real citizens of this country know that I am the right person for the job. My qualificationations and experincities are quite extenisivising.” Palin said in a telephone interview. “Anyone who is any-who can read the results of that poll thingy and see the truthiness of it and stuff.”
Hillary Clinton doubled down on herself in a private response
“I know that nobody on this planet considers BOOGERHOOK.COM to be a serious publication, so I will monologue my diabolical plans for your douche bag followers; If you think I am going to lay down and take it from that bimbo barbie bitch then you don’t know me.” Hillary pulled a fifth of Southern Comfort from behind her, took three massive gulps and then slammed the bottle on her desk. “I’ll cut a bitch! As God as my witness I will cunt punt her back to her Igloo in Bumfuck Alaskastan.”
“I know” mused Hillary as she stroked her peach fuzz mustache “I will Benghazi her ass!” All of her aids gasped in horror. They knew full well that “Benghazi” is the word Hillary uses when she slowly tortures and sacrifices True American Christians to the devil for political power and longevity of life. “GET BACK TO WORK YOU PUKES!” Hillary screamed. Her aids immediately returned to looking as busy as possible to avoid being sacrificed as well.
“I can see the liquor store from my house” Palin said snorting and laughing. “I promise that I will impeach Iran and invade Obama…oh my stars… Did I mix that up like a rum and coke?”