WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Hussein Obama signed an Executive Order for reparations to African American descendants of slaves. $777 trillion will be paid out in 5 years with immediate relief going to Detroit, Ferguson, and Baltimore as well as other oppressed minority cities in the nation.
“We knew this would never make it through congress” Obama said before signing the order. “We knew that the rich elite would oppose it using all of their resources stolen from the blood, sweat, and tears of the poor masses they have created. We knew that the established white privilege would oppose it with all of their re-definitions and ‘talking points’. We knew that the corporate war machine would oppose it because it goes against their ‘divide and conquer’ methodology of perpetual war and profit.”
“On this day.” Obama paused staring into the camera “It is with great pleasure that I, Barack Obama, President of these United States of America, do hereby sign these Executive Orders to begin the process of Reparations to all ancestors of American slaves immediately.”
UPDATE: LAWLESS WHITE THUGS RIOTING
Within seconds of President Obama’s Executive Order, hundreds of white privileged middle and upper class thugs poured into the streets and began to destroy their own communities.
“It’s not a race thing. Stop making this about race. This is about Obama economically oppressing us!” Said a white thug in Louis Vuitton clothing. “He has been holding us down for years and we are no longer going to take his tyranny! They call it ‘The WHITE house’ for a reason. He is an illegitimate usurper!!!”
Starbucks, GameStop, and Footlocker were all looted clean, except for the work boots, because rich kids don’t have to work if they don’t want to.
“I like, SO can’t believe he did that” Said Valery in her valley girl accent. “It was like SO uncalled for. These black people haven’t worked as hard as my great-great-grandfather who left millions for me and my family to live easy on. Like, why don’t they get a job and junk? If they worked hard they would have rich people in their family like I do. Slavery was so five generations ago. Like, get over it.”
All of the corporations that existed during the mid 19th century that profited from slavery all gave a collective “FUCK YOU!” to the idea of paying back their ill gotten gains.
Upon hearing about the Executive Order, Rush Limbaugh blew a vein out of his forehead and he is currently in critical condition at Viagra county hospital.