UPDATE: Rapture happening right now!

YOUNG EARTH, CREATION – There is a great multitude being Raptured up into The Glory along with the 144,000 of the twelve sealed tribes of Israel. Reports also confirm many cases of soiled underpants where the chosen once stood. Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and Muslims world wide are shocked by these end time revelations.

“You’ve got to be shitting me?!?! That crazy ‘rapture’ thing actually fucking happened?!?!”

“This is clearly a hoax” said Ken Ham. “There is no way in god damned hell that this was the rapture as we protestants have cherry picked it’s meaning from The Book of Revelations! I just didn’t spend millions in tax payer and donation money building The Creation Museum and Ark Encounters theme park for me to lose all of my potential customers! I know it is bunk because not a single member of Answers in Genesis were Raptured in the Glory. No, the word is to still be preached until the rapture comes. Repent and come to the ways and love of Jesus.”

Ken Ham is the president of Answers in Genesis (AiG), a Creationist apologetics ministry which operates the Creation Museum.

“Ah le le le le le le die infidel son of a whore swine!!!” said Deepak Chopra. “This rapture thing has my Chakra’s all imbalanced and shit! I have lost many of my American customers so now I have no other choice but to convert to target the next biggest customer base of Islam, PBUH and shit! It’s all metaphysical and Quantum Mechanics proves that I am right. You will find out in my next book you Infidel shit dog!”

“God Damn I’m happy that ‘rapture’ thing finally fucking happened!”

“Who gives a shit?!” said Jeremy Martin, Producer, Author, Editor, and Janitor (Custodian you dick!) of BOOGERHOOK.COM. “This amazing bullshit event is an especially amazing extra strength bullshit event. People shooting up into outer space like they have Jesus rockets shoved up their butts? Honky please! Regardless, I must begrudgingly admit that this cherry picked protestant mythical event has happened only because I found my wife’s panties laying on the floor, and only a God could make her leave my wallet.”

Jeremy Martin gave a dramatic pause with a slight smirk and raised eyebrow. “The following is a list of what you should do now that The Rapture has happened.”

The Rapture just happened. Now what…

  1. Run around in circles, flailing your arms above your head, while you scream like a little girl as loud as you can. Be sure to trip into people running away from unmanned airplanes falling from the sky. They are probably drones trying to shoot you down anyways.
  2. Ramble on incoherently about any and every bible verse you can remember whether accurate or totally made up on the spot. Hell, it’s all made up on the spot anyways. Just because a religion has reached it’s end does not mean you can’t keep spreading it around. Ask the Pagans for pointers.
  3. Go to church so your fellow fake Christians can scold you for not being christian enough. Be sure to tithe 10% to show you mean it this time.
  4. If you are an atheist, scratch your head in confusion. Say things like; “Those nutty bastards were right? Fuck me to tears!” or “That incoherent Book of Revelations was accurate? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I’m fucked now!” Be sure to remain an atheist regardless because why would a God need a star ship? You can always join the fake Christians in church, but you will eventually realize that they are one of the many reasons why you became an atheist in the first place.
  5. Start making a list of the great thinkers you want to meet when you go to hell. Do not fret! Hell is over populated with many scientists and godless communists and it will surely be an air-conditioned workers paradise by the time you arrive.
  6. Buy lots of bug spray to repel the human faced insects that will surely be coming to sting you.
  7. Make sure your inoculations are up to date to ensure the plagues will bypass you and your family.
  8. Consider converting to Islam… just saying…

“Obama is clearly the Anti-christ!” Said Teabagger Tom “Some people are saying that since a pair of pristine tighty-whities where found behind the Presidents desk in the oval office that Obama was a true believing Christian. THIS CANNOT BE! Obama has to be the anti-christ because he was an anti-war government nig… er…he is a lawless kenyan liberal socialist communist marxist atheistic Islamic caliphate usurper. Where is his real Kenyan birth certificate? He wasnt Raptured! He was Ruptured! The bush family are still here. Palin is still here. Santorum and Rush are still here. Pat Robertson is still here. The Rapture did NOT happen!”

Ronald Reagan was not available to confirm whether the Rapture actually happened.



This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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