Court rules constitutional rights for the unborn

SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES, WASHINGTON D.C. – Culture warriors on the right have claimed a huge victory as the 5 to 4 majority Justice ruling has found that unborn children have rights under the United States constitution.

Supreme Court of The United States
Supreme Court of The United States

“Praise Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior for this Holy ruling by the Supreme Court” Janet Forester said as tears rolled down her smiling face. “This marks the end of abortion and the beginning of a pro-life American nation! This ruling will also ban abortifacients as well. The Lord has commanded that we be fruitful and multiply, to govern the land in His name, and the court has ruled in righteousness.”

Janet Forester is one of many pro-life Evangelical Christians celebrating the ruling on the steps of the Supreme Court. Deafening cheers, accompanied by Gospel Music played on loud speakers, has been heard as far as the National Cathedral.

“The so-called ‘rights’ of the unsaved heathen shall not trump The True Christian Rights of the unborn citizen from this day forth!” Pastor Billy-Reuben Gibson said through the loud speaker as he pounded the podium with his fist. “Ours is an Holy Christian Nation whose Constitution is founded upon The Bible and the blood of Christ Jesus. Failed birth control will no longer be an excuse for murder. Rape or the health of the mother will no longer be an excuse for murder. The unsaved will no longer have an excuse to murder our unborn Christian citizens.”

Libertydale Bible Baptist Church
Libertydale Bible Baptist Church, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Billy-Reuben Gibson, a graduate of Landover Baptist University and recently returned from a mission trip to Tokyo, is The Senior Pastor at Libertydale Bible Baptist Church.

“Unborn children of illegals will also have some Christian rights…” Pastor Gibson replied to the question of birth-right citizenship. “…until they are born that is. Anchor babies will not be tolerated within the jurisdiction of our Holy Nation. I also want to point out some of the differences in rights between legal Christian unborn citizens and the illegally unborn. Firstly, all unborn children will have their first amendment protections to remain a saved Christian regardless of legal status or the religion of their parents because all children belong to Christ in the womb as it says in Jeremiah 1:5 ‘Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee’. Secondly, illegally unborn children shall not have access to second amendment rights like their legal superiors. Only legally unborn Christians will have the right to bear arms for personal protection as well as protection from government tyranny. Thirdly, when the illegally unborn baby becomes illegally born they shall not have access to any rights other than ‘right this way’ to the border.”

How The Bible looks through the eyes of the unsaved.

Conservative leaders nation wide are cheering the ruling as “the final nail in the coffin of liberalism”.

“Liberalism is not in-line with our Christian Constitution” said Dick Brigade, a Washington Senator and Chairman of The War on Christianity Defense Ministry. “I have grown tired of their war upon the founding documents of our Christian Nation. This War on Christianity MUST stop! Our unborn Christians will finally have the right to hear and say ‘Merry Christmas’ in our stores. Our unborn citizens will be protected from being taught the religion of Evolution. Our unborn citizens will have the right to put up a monument to the Ten Commandments on our government lands. Shouldn’t we be spending our money on feeding poor children instead of murdering them in their mother’s womb!”

Senator Dick Brigade recently voted to cut the SNAP program, colloquially known as “Food Stamps”, by $800 million dollars.

The NRA also released a press statement on the historical ruling.

“We are currently in the process of finding a way for the legally unborn to purchase and bear arms as per their second amendment rights. The legally unborn could easily become victims and we support their constitutional right to self defense without a background check or registration. Those who hate freedom have stated that the womb is a place of safety but if that were true then why was abortion legal to begin with? Fetus friendly guns with instruction manuals must be accessible to our legally unborn citizens and we promise that we will work diligently to ensure them that right.”

Ronald Reagan has yet to return our telephone request for comment.


This article was an Absurd Parody Satire

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